How Can I Keep On Living?
by DragonSong23
Summary: Set at the end of season 7 part 1. The 11th Doctor has just lost Amy and Rory forever and is in need of a helping hand to get him back on his feet once more. Rewrite of one of my old stories.


**How Can I Keep on Living?**

**Hello there, this is a rewrite of a story I posted a couple of years ago, very similar to the original with a few alterations.**

**The girl in this story is not me or based on anyone else, she's just there to represent the whole fandom.**

**It's my first time writing in second person so I hope it's okay and I hope you enjoy!**

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A girl walks down the quiet street of Leadworth, a slight bounce in her step. You watch her from a far smiling as you notice her mouthing along to what you assume are the lyrics of a song, currently playing through her green earphones that swing back and forth across her chest as she walks.

She wears a white shirt, brown skinny jeans and boots, the odd thing about her appearance is the red bow tie sticking out underneath her hair, the red braces which fasten at the waist of her trousers and the top of a red fez which pokes out of her rucksack. You smile, you remember when you once wore a fez, it was the end of the world and there you were running round in a fez. Your smile soon fades as you realise you were with _them, _it feels like you haven't been with them for hundreds of years.

But really, it's just been 3 days.

Three days since it happened, since the angels, since, since, since everything that went wrong.

You watch as the girl crosses the road to your side of the street, hopping up onto the curb and playing on some imaginary drums. Humans, you think, amused but the simplest of things. They truly are a beautiful race, so small and insignificant in the whole scheme of the universe, but in their innocence they are beautiful. You watch as she gets closer and look away as her pace slows and her smile fades to one of concern.

"Doctor?" she exclaims, you can't help but turn to look at her, she knows you, she knows who you are, but how? Suddenly she is besides you, knelt down in front of you, her face is full of worry and concern, but her eyes, her eyes are full of awe, of wonder. "Are you OK?" she asks looking right into your eyes. You look away.

No-one ever looks at you like that, not even _them_; no-one ever looked at you with eyes filled with such awe and admiration, while their faces displayed such worry and concern.

"Who are you?" you ask.

"Just a fan no-one important" she says. She puts her bag down and sits next to you on the floor. You notice the fez again and smile.

"I wore a fez once." You say smiling down at the floor, never looking in her eyes.

She smiles too. "I know you did. It was the end of the world and you ran round in a fez, well, until river blew it to pieces." You look at her in shock, her smile is as big as yours was, just like she was there with you when it happened, re-living one of her own fond memories.

"How do you know that?" You ask making eye contact for the first time.

"Like I said, I'm a fan." You fall into a brief silence, "They've just left you, haven't they?" She states. It's not a question. Again she appears to know all about you, but this time you don't bother to question, it's like you need to just talk to someone about it, no matter who they are. You nod, and before you've even considered it, you're telling her everything that happened.

You tell her about the angels, about River, about how _they_ left you. You choke as you talk, remembering that horrible night all over again. You smile and tell her about how you met _them_ about how _they _became your best friends. And suddenly it doesn't stop, you're telling her about everything, about everyone, about _her._ About how you always have to leave them behind in the end, about how no-one can travel with you forever.

You look up at her and notice that she too is crying her cheeks are wet with tears, just like yours. "Who are you?" You ask again. That ironic unanswered question which you refuse to answer when it's directed at you. How can she know so much, how can she know it at all. Not even _they _know this much.

She looks down at her lap and wipes her tears away, "I'm one of those people who love you, who love what you do, who are grateful of what you do, who cry when you cry, who have seen it all with you, though you may not have known we were there. I'm one of those people who are so thankful that every day you are running round in your in bow tie in your TARDIS saving everyone you meet, defeating the bad guys, saving the world from invasions us humans could never prevent." Here she pauses and you look at her in shock yet again. There are more like her?

"Who are you really?" You ask looking in her eyes for the first time. You notice their warmth and genuine concern and realise then that you've never seen eyes quite like hers. "What's your name?"

She is silent and looks down at her lap as if choosing the right words to say. "I am everyone, I cannot just give you my name, I should tell you them all, I cannot just give you mine, because then you would only know that I exist and not everybody else who is like me."

"How many are you?" You ask.

"There are thousands, millions, billions, of us, all over the world, who are thankful for all that you've done."

"I thought people forgot me, or didn't know I existed."

"Doctor, you are not someone who can be forgotten easily. You come into our lives with such energy, which such knowledge and such fierce determination, that whoever we are to you, friend or foe, we cannot simply forget you. You destroy us or save us. Someone like that doesn't simply slip from memory."

"When did you first meet me?" You ask. "I have never seen you before."

"I have never met you face to face before." She says "I have" she pauses; searching for the right words to use. "I have, watched you since I was nine years old. My parents first showed me the man who runs round in his bow tie when I was nine. Of course you didn't wear a bow tie then, a leather jacket I think."

You nod, remembering when you were him and you realise how far you've come since then. She starts to talk again and you look at her, really look at her and notice the tear streaks down her cheek, the way she absentmindedly picks at her nails or tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I have to admit that I was terrified, the Empty child was the first monster I saw, and I still can't look at a gas mask even now seven years later." Still she doesn't look at you.

"Sorry" you whisper. She looks up at you then and smiles a sad smile and puts a hand on your shoulder.

"No need to be sorry, it wasn't your fault, I should have looked away. And without you the virus would have spread, and we may still have gasmask faces today, if you hadn't stopped it. So there's no need to apologise."

She laughs quietly and her eyes fall away from your face back to her hands. "You know, I always dreamed of meeting you, for a second, for a minute, for an hour, however long it was I knew that I would love it, that we would run, that we would defeat the bad guys and then run off in the TARDIS." She paused again, and looks up at you, hands still picking at their nails in her lap. "I never imagined I would meet you like this Doctor, sat on the floor, tear streaks down your face, head in your hands. Doctor, even when Rose was trapped on the parallel world, you kept fighting, just because they're gone, that doesn't mean that you should give up." Your tears are clouding your vision as your remember them _all _again as you remember that day, the day they left.

You're both silent, slightly uncomfortable but glad of the others presence. Then you speak, voice broken choking on tears, "How can I?" you ask. "How can I keep going when everyone I meet ends up hurt, you're scared for life because of the gas mask children, Rose is trapped on another world with a duplicate of me, Martha and Micky are going freelance and hunting down aliens, she could have been a doctor, had a normal life, and the I came along, and Rose, Rose left everything behind for me. And then theirs Dona, who had to forget, I lost my best friend, sometimes, sometimes I just want Dona back, sometimes I need her comedic moments, sometimes I just need my friend." Your voice begins to shake and you take a deep breath, "and then there's the Ponds, Amy, Rory and River, Amy waited for me for 14 years then runs away on her wedding night and Rory, Rory dies over and over again, he waits for 2000 years outside a box for Amy and even after all that they come with me, even after their Baby was stolen from them, and returned in the form of River Song, they still came with me. And look where it got them." Your breathing comes in gasps and you hardly manage to get your words out, but it feels better, it feels better to let it all go.

"They all chose their fate." She says quietly. You brush your tears away and look at her noticing the fresh streaks on her own cheeks. She speaks again, her voice quiet. "We all chose our fate. By following you, by travelling with you we all chose that one day something would happen to us, we knew what we put ourselves in for, but still we came with you. You cannot blame yourself for what happened to us, we chose to follow you, and you'll never be able to change our minds about that."

"Nothing has happened to you though, you're not hurt, you're not dead, and you can remember it all, when they can't." You say, almost angry at her words, how could she say that when she's never been in their position.

She senses your anger and looks away again almost guilty. "I'm not physically hurt, but mentally, mentally I am obsessed." Again her voice is quiet, apologetic. "Look at me; I'm even wearing what you wear. I'm going to a fancy dress party with my friends who are going as Amy and Rory." She pauses and looks up at you again her expression seeking forgiveness, for understanding. "I can't look at a gas mask without freaking out and imagining everyone with a gas mask face. Whenever I see a statue I have to walk past it without blinking, every time I notice that I have two shadows, or see dust mites in the air, I have to remind myself that it's not real, that the shadows won't eat me. But you know what, I don't care, I knew that that would happen, my imagination runs wild and I see stuff that doesn't exist. And considering the fact that I'm sat here talking to you, it probably means that it does exist. But so what, I get to see amazing things Doctor, things I never thought I would see, and so did they. See Doctor, you didn't harm us, it's not your fault that we get hurt, it's ours and if it bothered us so much, then we would stop watching, we would stop travelling with you. You can't blame yourself for something we chose to do." She never looks away from you, imploring you to believe her, to believe her that it's not your fault.

"Are you sure it's not my fault?" You ask looking at her, pleading with her to tell you the truth. Part of you wants her to say that it is your fault so that you can drown in your own self-pity once more but the other half, wants her to tell you that it's not your fault.

She looks at you, sympathetic yet understanding. She looks directly into your eyes showing you her own, proving to you that she speaks the truth. "No Doctor" she says, "It really is not your fault."

Then you sit there in silence, unsure what to say, what to think or what to do. You notice that she slumps back down next to you, just as unsure as you are.

"I'll keep going" you say. "For them, for all of them, and for you" She looks at you and smiles, a toothy smile which spreads up to her eyes.

"Good" she says, the smile never leaving her face. She stands up and slings her backpack over her right shoulder.

"Wait." You say, extending a hand towards her, she raises her eye brows not bothering to ask why.

"Do you mind helping me to the TARDIS?" you ask voice quiet. And then you smile, genuinely for the first time in a long time, at the light that flickers into life in her eyes. "My legs are a little dead and I'm sure you'd like to see it. It's the least I can do to say thank you"

"Of course" she says beaming down at you. She offers you a hand which you take to stand up, you're a little wobbly on your feet, so she slings your arm round her shoulder and together you make your way to the TARDIS.

As you walk, you give her directions, silently and obediently she obeys, turning in the direction you point her. As the TARDIS comes into view you can feel the excitement radiating off the young girl, and smile as you remember the excitement you could hardly contain when you first laid eyes on the TARDIS.

You push the door open with your free arm and she walks you through, you feel her pace slow as she takes in all the details of the TARDIS. You walk up the steps to the main console and she places you gently on the yellow chair by the next set of stairs. She takes a step back and absorbs everything she sees, you watch with a smile on your face as she turns slowly and runs her hands along the console of the TARDIS.

"You could come with me" you say as she walks round to the other side. Her face appears again, looking round the central column, looking at you in confusion.

"No I couldn't." She says frowning. "Don't get me wrong I'd love to, but it's not my place. I just don't think I should take the place of someone else. There's a girl called Clara who you'll meet very soon, it's her job to fill the gap of Amy and Rory, not mine." She says walking back round to you.

"How do you know that?" you ask.

"Spoilers" she says in mock imitation of River Song.

You laugh, "You know it all, don't you."

She nods, "Just not the future." She says a twinkle in her eyes. She looks round again at TRADIS awe and admiration on her face. "It really is beautiful, but I think I preferred 9 and 10's." She says looking up at the ceiling of the TARDIS, and then her gave flicks to you and she smiles. "Thank you for showing me this," She pauses, "but I do have a party to go to and my late arrival has just got later!"

Putting her left arm through the other strap of her bag she turns to leave but you stop her by standing up and placing a hand on her shoulder. She turns round to look at you and gasps as she sees what's in your hand.

"I think you should have this" you say holding up a red bow tie, the one that had previously been fashion around your own neck. She looks at you, eyes wide.

"I, I, I couldn't possibly" she stammers.

You chuckle, and take a step forward, "Clip on bow ties are nowhere near as good as the real things."

She bites her lip sort of guilty, "Yeah but they're cheaper."

You laugh again and smile as she smiles. "Take that one off, you deserve this." Hesitantly she takes off the fake bowtie and stuffs it in her pocket. She holds her hair out of the way as you fasten your bow tie around her neck.

"That's better." You say folding her collar back down. She's speechless and just smiles at you in admiration and utter joy.

"Thank you" she says her smile growing. "I really must be going I, I believe I have a party to get to."

"Let me take you. I'm sure you're about half an hour late already" she nods.

"That's true, but what do I tell my friends when I arrive in _the_ TARDIS" you both smile.

"What Doctor would be complete without his TARDIS" you say.

She laughs. "You know what, they might just believe me."

You smile with her then before dashing around the console a true smile on your lips in a very long time. She follows you round, eyes absorbing every leaver pulled and every button pressed.

As the TARDIS lands you both urgently grab the side of the console in an attempt to stay standing. She falls over and you offer her a hand to help her up. She takes it and straightens her shirt.

She laughs, "My brain is still trying to process the fact that I just traveled in time, so what if it was half an hour, it's just, wow." she pauses and looks up at you, her smile growing and her eyes sparkling with joy.

"Thank you" she says.

"No" you reply, "Thank you." Then you hug her, in a huge thanks for all that she has done for you. Her body freezes out of shock but soon returns the hug. You pull away and look at her. "Without you I would still be sat on the floor in the street, with no hope left, so thank you for giving me my hope back, for giving me the strength to carry on."

She smiles up at you. "You're welcome" then she pulls away and jumps down the TADRIS steps. She turns back around to face you, "Don't you forget me, Doctor" she smiles. Then with a last look round and a wave of her hand she is gone, out the doors and back into her world.

"Don't worry" you whisper, "I won't."

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**I hope I portrayed the Doctor alright, he's a tricky one to write, I personally prefer writing the 10th Doctor, so it was a new experience writing for the 11th's point of view!**

**Feel free to let me know what you think, encouragement and creative criticism is always welcome.**

**One final note, I'm planning to write this story from the girls point of view which I hope to add on this evening :)**

**Thank you for reading!**


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